I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
