I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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