and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
