So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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