I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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