did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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