I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
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