Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
