Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
