I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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