Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
