Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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