ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
