I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
