Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
