the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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