I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
