dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
