Apparently you make a good broom.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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