ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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