I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
