Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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