my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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