i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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