so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
