Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
