Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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