and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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