Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
