Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
