When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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