Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
