I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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