oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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