tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
