Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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