You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
