i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
