i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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