At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
