Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
