took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
