How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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