1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
