sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
