Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
