dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
