ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
