im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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