I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
