Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
